Do you know what it feels like:
To be agitated and restless?
To feel trapped or caught?
To feel like a failure?
To feel hopeless and pathetic?
To feel like a burden to those around you?
To put up a front every where you go?
To feel like you are guilty and deserved to be punished?
To wake up and feel hated and undesirable?
Even though things may seem to be ok. You have nothing to lose. Nothing to fear.
These feelings, thoughts and emotions haunt you.
I know these feelings, all too well.
They’re right. I have nothing to be sad about. But I am.
What do I do?
Those around me think I’m playing the victim. Turning tables to have pity felt upon me. Being a diva, playing drama because I’m bored.
But in actuality, I am trying. I am trying every day to live and be happy in the moment. But in some moments, I’m just not strong enough. I let it get the best of me. And I am sorry. I am sorry for disturbing the peace. I am sorry for ruining the moment. I am sorry to have cause any one around me disappointment and frustration.
Even though some of you are losing your patience for me, and I don’t blame you, I am still grateful. Appreciative. Thankful for your presence. Because during a time where I feel lonely, even surrounded by a room full of people, I don’t know where I would be if I was in complete exile. It’s because of my loved ones that I still believe that there is teeny tiny bit of hope.
Hope, that with time, hard, consistent work at this, that this too shall pass.